Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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