In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
