I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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