As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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