??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
