just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
