you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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