nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
