So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
