My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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