I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
