When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
