No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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