I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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