you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
