I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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