remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
