you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
