Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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