Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
