i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Is it penis luge time yet?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize