I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Less talking, more tequila
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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