it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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