My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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