Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My life is pants optional.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize