I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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