Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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