drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
