Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
