also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
