i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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