yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
