mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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