We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Sorry about my life...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
