I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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