Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
