i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
