What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
