WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
