Tell her she can't have a vagina
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
