They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
