He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
