I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
