i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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