My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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