Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
