i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
