Where did you get a picture of my penis
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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