Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
