thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
