Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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