Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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