chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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