his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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