Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Your topless pictures make me question reality
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
