I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize